By : Kyle Munzenrieder
Ever notice how New Yorkers have such strong opinions about what makes a person a “real” New Yorker? (The answer: you have strong opinions about what makes one a real New Yorker.) The phrase “Real New Yorker” has 802,000 Google results. The phrase “Real Miamian”nets just 347 results.
We’re a transient, melting pot of a city, sure, and it’s hard to define our people, but we thought we’d try to establish some basic requirements for 305 realness. Take our test to find out if you’re a “real Miamian.” Don’t take it too seriously though. No real Miamian would.
It’s pretty simple. For each bullet point that applies to you, go ahead and give yourself a point.
- Hearing the words “palmetto” and “dolphin” in the same sentence does not conjure up a scene of a tranquil paradise in your head, but rather one of traffic horror.
- “Lights! Food! Rides! And so much more!” makes you think of the holidays more than “Jingle Bells.”
- Not only are you aware that places like Naranja, Redland, Ojus and Country Walk exist, but you can give general directions to get to those places.
- You use your horn more than your turn signal.
- Whether you started out as a Spanish speaker or an English speaker, you’re now proficient in Spanglish.
- You either were or remember seeing someone visibly upset the day Celia Cruz died.
- You’ve got a Dan Marino jersey you still rock, of course, but somewhere deep in the back of your closet resides either a Fielder, Harrington, Culpepper, Rosenfels, Frerotte, Green, Beck, Pennington, or Henne jersey.
- You own more flip flops, excuse us, chancletas, than coats.
- You’ve owned either vinyl, cassette, CD or digital copies of Nice & Wild’s “Diamond Girl,” Debbie Deb’s “Lookout Weekend” and Stevie B’s “Spring Love.”
- Starting times are just suggestions, and you never get to an event or party within an hour of the actual kick off.
- You’ve bought seafood or meat out of a car trunk.
- You’re asked “Where are you from?” within a minute of meeting someone, or you’re doing the asking. “Here” is never a valid answer.
- $7 for a well drink seems pretty damn cheap to you.
- You have no idea what a yellow light means.
- There are people living on your street or in your complex that you’ve never meet, but yet you know all their favorite salsa tunes because they blast the stereo so loudly.
- You’ve voted for someone who is now behind bars, removed from office or resigned in disgrace … multiple times.
- There was a time in your life when leaving clubs, bars, or parties after 3 a.m. on a weekday and still showing up to work the next day was a regular occurrence.
- Sitting at a red light means ignoring someone either trying to ask you for money or selling you something.
- You’ve recognized a random person out in public who’s acted for one of our many fine Internet porn companies.
- When a hurricane comes, preparing for a party and preparing for an actual disaster go hand-in-hand.
- You use the terms “bro” and “guy” all the time, but never, ever “dude.”
- You visit New York City and are the only tourist who actually thinks the locals are polite.
- Watching football is a good way to find out what some of your former classmates are up to.
- You get offended when people call Miami sports fans bandwagoners. Sure, you’ve only gone to like three games in the past decade, if any at all, but you watch the Heat, Dolphins, Marlins and Hurricanes on TV all the time.
- You consider a 5’10” man tall.
- You’ve passed by the taping of a reality TV show or telenovela.
- You have strong opinions about the art of Britto.
- Going out on South Beach is a last resort. “Really, you’re sure there’s nothing going on closer to home? How about downtown? No one’s having a house party? Jeez, OK, I guess we’ll go out to South Beach if we have to.”
- Broward County legitimately feels like a foreign country. It might as well be in Canada.
- Viewing art is not considered a sober activity.
- You’ve freaked out enough out-of-towners by trying to show them your favorite places around town that now you know you’re just better dropping them off at Bayside and directing them to the Chili’s.
- If you wind up drunk at a tattoo shop, there’s a good chance you’ll walk out with a “305” tattoo, assuming you don’t already have one.
- You wouldn’t even notice if all the Starbucks shut down. They don’t have cafecitosanyway.
- You’re familiar with the beggars in the neighborhoods you frequent.
- You can’t remember the last time you voluntarily went anywhere on Ocean Drive.
- You’ve used the bathrooms at Churchill’s Pub multiple times and lived to tell about it.
- When a new restaurant or club opens, you often say, “Oh yeah, that used to be called … and before that it was …”
- Out-of-towners just assume you know where to buy coke.
- Any old man with a beard and a track suit reminds you instantly of Fidel Castro.
- You still judge people based on which local high school they went to.
How’d You Score?
0 points - You live in Boston. Why did you read this?
1 to 4 points - Did you just move here for a job and are trying to impress your bosses by working 80 hours weeks? Get out and absorb the local culture some.
5 to 9 points - Congratulations on purchasing one of our many foreclosed upon condos as a vacation home, but you’re not quite a Miamian.
10 to 15 points - You’ve reached the bare minimum of “Miamian” status. You can now tell people from outside of Miami that you’re a Miamian.
16 to 20 points - Some born-and-raised types may still scoff, but go ahead and wear that Miamian status with pride. Someone has to.
21 to 30 points - If you weren’t actually born here, you’ve definitely been reborn here in one way or another.
31 to 40 points - Watch out Pitbull, there’s a new Mr. or Ms. 305.